Genap 3 bulan...

Today, genap 3 bulan I have been working as a trainer. Genap 3 bulan I’ve worked my first job.  And I’ve learn much more than I’ve expected. A lot more about myself than the work I’ve at hand.  I’m currently working for a private company that helps the community for free under the government’s wing. Among our programs include to help fresh gads secure their first job and to help the community to start their own business.

My first week… Wow my first week..  Can you imagine going to work dengan sakit kepala dan balik kerja  dengan pening kepala yang  amat sangat, until you feel like you want to vomit all your guts out there and then.

And also in the first week I was called the boss kecik’s office twice for I needed an attitude adjustment. She told me that I need to be humble and I need to relax more.  I am glad that she did.  For the next two months she told me that I am not the best , but I did change the fastest and she appreciated me for that.  I am glad that she told me that. But I worry if I revert back to my old self. 

I’ve learnt so many things during my first week working here, things I hope I’ll never forget.  

I’ve learn so much about my physical, emotional and my mental wellbeing and how I could concentrate this elements to help people. I am also learning to bersabar and deal with whatever the fresh grads are throwing at us. 

There, the first three months of my alam pekerjaan…

I ended up...

I ended up Having the job that I would like to have which I thought was great.  Memang pun bagus. Just that tak sangka kerja nya macam ni. Maybe at the beginning. For this whole week I was making calls for fresh graduates yg pointer nya 2.00-3.2 and haven't yet found a job to join this program to help them found a job.

Isn't it that great? Of course it is kan.

Even my boss told me things that could make me a better person, like I should stop thinking that I am better than everybody else and I should be a team player and I should be a humble person. Which are the essence of being a trainer. See I've already learned so many things about myself

Its just that when I got home for the last five days, I have pening kepala yg amat sgt that it was kind of a hell of a week for me.  So yeah I'm glad I can help people but  I hate that my body was playing tricks on me.

With that being said, my mom told me to go to bed early from now on because maybe it was my tidor lambat  and just started working that caused me to have pening kepala yg teruk sgt when I was at the office

So Wan An and I guess the fanfiction can be read tomorrow night....

What I woke up to today

I live here.
Dekat tepi bukit. Bukit Tampin namenya.
I think it was a pretty sight. Don't you?
Well, I am not very good with the camera..
I've been living here for like thirteen years now.
I used to hate it here, since I felt like I've been forced to move.
But since I started secondary school  mungkin secara x sedarnya I started to like it here.

You see I am a kampung girl, always has been, always will be. The kampung I grew up in was called Slim Village, Slim River Perak. Ulu sgt.... jauh sgt....... I moved to a town when I was 10 sangatlah upset mase tu....

You see I've been praying to God recently to give me a job.
And now I think God has given me more that what I've  wanted

I have two job offers.
One as a customer service. Basically doing basic office work. And should anything goes wrong ,I'll be the person the customers will look for. It is for a renowned  courier company.

The other as a trainer. To help people and companies to find the best in them and use that to help them grow. There will  be a lot of traveling too. So I think it  would be fun.

Both jobs I believe are the same. I get to meet people. But I think the other one is more in my area. Both jobs are dekat city. The second one is at Damansara Perdana. And this place scares the hell out of me. Sgt banyak kereta and I am not a very strong driver.  So today I woke up thinking, nanti kerja dah x dapt tgk sights like these and do stuff that I am doing now. Kind of why I got out of the house mase matahari pun belum nampak lagi.

Esok I need to tell the latter company, that I am taking their offer.Kind of why I am feeling weird right now. I am afraid that as I go into actual work I might lose my personality,  my passion,  and a bunch of other stupid stuff.

Other than the magnificent view, this is what I woke up to today...

Super glad I am writing again

I am glad the last post I've written ended up as a draft. I know now what being angry for a little too long can do to me. I didn't talk to my mom  for a week. Everything I ate doesn't seem to say down. My chest is warmer than it was supposed to be. Because of my warm chest I have trouble sleeping. Yang paling teruk I stopped writing.. I stopped writing even weeks after I finished being angry with my mom.

Last week I went out with kawan-kawan lama yang dah lama kenal and kawan-kawan lama yang baru kenal in a team building program. It turns out this friend of mine is an actual writer. Not like me of course. An actual writer who've gotten paid for her work. A Malay  poetry writer. She taught me how to make it, but she also told me the obstacles she has to face. That she makes a lot more money selling her books of poetry in Indonesia than in Malaysia, because Malaysians don't read a lot. There's this one time when she makes RM10 000 to get her books published. Can you imagine that..  kalo org yg tulis buku bahasa Melayu pun tak boleh nak jual buku dekat Malaysia.. what to become of english writers like me?

But all that aside, I am super glad that I am writing again.

For days I felt lifeless, today masak a poached egg

Dan rasanya menjadi, and its not that hard I suppose. I've always wanted to poach an egg tapi selalu delaykan, because I think the taste wouldn't be as good as a fried egg (and it didn't sebab it lacks the cholesterol that I'm accustomed to) tapi steps must be taken, to reduce ketembaman sebab duduk kat rumah

see.. the yolk is all runny, jadilah tu kan?

Last week was really an eventful week for me, on the 21st-23rd Sept  I returned to Shah Alam (wah return macam rumah kat situ je kan) to 

1)attend Dr Azizan's Seminar dekat SACC

2) ambik transkrip degree ( DAH habis belajar kan)

3) jumpa Dr Umi (since she's my favourite lecturer kan)

4) Daftar alumni UiTM

5) Find out mcm mana n ak buat master's degree dekat fak edu

3 out of 5 things done. Bolehlah tu rasenya. And last Friday went to PWTC untuk menghadiri BN Youth Job Fair. And managed to snag my self my first job. Tapi not going to the training session I think (more on that later).

I felt out of place going to UiTM when I am no longer a student. Tapi nampak same je mcm org lain, although the lack of baju kurung on a Monday did make me stood out from everyone else(alah mase ko belajar x pakai baju kurung pun on Mondays)  I stayed and talk to a few of kefajar friends my former classmates who are still studying and of course talked to my best friend (who is now 1 semester my junior). And realized those are the things I miss most... interacting with my friends, interacting with my best friends having lunch with them, moving out and about in campus and having a decent conversation with them. That last part dah lama dah tak buat and that is I guess what I cherish most and hope to do again soon.  But that phase of my baru berlalu kan.. what to do? Belajar degree balik? hehe...

Tu sebab sekarang ni I guess I felt really lifeless and useless..

That thing I call an Ugam -The Story

So here it is, ( I think this is the only post that memenuhi tujuan blog ini ditubuhkan in the first place) thinking of posting it on fiction press too.

It was like having a stroke. Unable to move a muscle, even when every neuron in your brain is instructing your muscle to expand and to contract, that part of your body just won’t move.  No, it was worse than a stroke. Simply because it hurt. Unlike a stroke, it was painful, and it was the pain that paralyzes.  

Soon you discover that, as you try to nourish yourself, if you’re not careful, the food will fall off your lips. The same thing happened when you tried to take a sip of water. Adjustments have to be made, so you can sustain yourself, using the side that you are not used to using. 

While you make attempts to get yourself better, you realized the outside of your lips are changing too. It was as cracked and as dry as a desert that hasn’t rain for a year. You tried hydrating, drinking glasses of water but it was as if, the water just goes right through you. 

Eventually, you make the decision to make an amateur diagnosis of what was wrong with you. As you stood in front of the mirror, you probe, squeeze and then probe again before you finally see it, the white devil. That thing that had been causing you your many hours of sleep. There it was just staring at you that white flesh exposed with swollen red tissues surrounding it, probably because you couldn’t get to it in time just before the bacterial invasion. Now you know it was the dreaded ugam or as the rest of other Malaysians call it the mouth ulcer.

As the pain throbs when you poke into it, you make yet another important decision. There’s nothing more that you can do, accept, letting your innate immunity do their job for you. 

Things I know I should do

So now that I am jobless, I know there are things that I should do,but I haven't have the time to do them.

Things I should do

1. LOOK FOR JOBS ( Currently hold a very active Jobstreet account)

2. HARD BIND MY DISSERTATION

3. To revise my mandarin  (Since I found that many jobs need their employees to have high proficiency in MANDARIN )

4. To revise my English and to write a short story yg tak terkeluar dari otak ( and make sure I do not get worse by the minute)

5. To start a facilitating company ( Since staying home and doing nothing does not bring in any money, just imagine how cool it would be, if sekali goyang kaki  boleh bawak masuk RM 100)

6. Maybe admit, like I have admitted to my mom and dad, "Kalo tak dapat kerja jugak by the end of this year, I should just continue my studies"

I guess three out of six, takde lah teruk sgt kan,  I have LOOK for JOBS,  Revised my English ( kalo baca and taip balik cool phrases and sentences, can be defined as revising?)  and I've already started a facebook group with my friends who are interested in starting a FACILITATING COMPANY. So Woohoo!!!

While for the others, takde  kesempatan lagi nak pi kedai fotostat untuk hard bind thesis, I like English more than I like Mandarin ( so there I've said it) , and no I am not ready to admit to myself to just give up the job search and sambung belajar. BELUM LAGI!!!

My oh my,  I  have lots of things to do being jobless kan?

Ntah... We'll see

I woke up on Monday, feeling weird on the fact that I don't have to do the things I usually do anymore.

ATTENDING CLASSES.

My mom has embedded/ instilled/ programmed in me (from I was 7)  that I should at least study sampai degree. And I spent 16 years just doing that and I did it. A pang of jealousy hit me, when I saw the status updates of my friends who are still studying. It finally hit me that I am not a student any longer. I am both happy and empty.

Happy things end well. Takde paper perlu di repeat, pointer tak serendah masa diploma, no longer bangun awal2 pagi so that when I arrived in the lab tak payah tunggu giliran untuk guna micropippete yg already sgt sikit tu.

Empty because, I've been studying so hard all these years just to get a degree. Going out with friends till like 4.00 am for dinner and karaoke. And now that has ended, I  have come to realization there's no more to life.   Drama queen kan?

That is why I couldn't  about blog anything. Since there is really nothing going on with my life...  :(

So sekarang I will look at my jobstreet account daily, see if there are any responds to my applications and wait. Or  maybe be a good girl and  sambung master like my mom want me to..

Ntah... We'll see

Dulu-dulu

Well not really dulu-dulu, lebih pada 2-3 tahun lepas I was a different person. I used to bring a book, a novel specifically.. everywhere  with me. So that in between classes, in between labs I will have something to read sampai lunyai novel yg agak tebal dan mahal (RM 40 to me is quite expensive) tu. That is how I come up with the url for this blog "Bendauntukdibaca". I Then I own an mp4 player, after that  the phone yg boleh main mp3. Well lets just say, those reading days are now over.

 Its not that I don't read. Its just that I stopped reading proper English.  And I believe that it has a token a toll on my literary works (wah perasaan). I sware, rasanya english masa ambik SPM dulu lebih baik dari sekarang lebih correct grammarnya, lebih berbunga-bunga. Now try as I might, I don't think I can anymore. Nak tulis apa pun tak tahu, ni kan pulak berbunga-bunga...

That is why I don't want to pursue masters, I think time spent writing my FYP thesis (which composed of segala-segalanya, DARAH, MARAH, TEARS, SELF ESTEEM YG SEMAKIN HARI SEMAKIN LEMAH dek kena marah supervisor everytime I went to see him) have like really stricken me of my creativity and spirit. I couldn't even put my own words and identity into my thesis. It's all his. Semua yg cantik dan kreatif habis dipotongnya buat ayat baru. Sure I get an A-, but really I don't want to go through it again.

Now that I have nothing to do (kecuali menghantar resume to all the non- scientisty companies I can think of dengan harapan dapatlah kerja by the end of this month) I've started to read again, site site yg ade cerita dengan ayat berbunga-bunga for now cth, mcm  City of  shared stories kuala lumpur, fanfiction ( mcm tak proper je yg tu), blogs yg use ayat berbunga-bunga and other improper things . Maybe  I even read buku-buku yg terperap dalam kotak tu.

And maybe just maybe after a whole lot of reading, reading, and reading... I will write again...

My family (dearest cousin)

I have this cousin... I wrote about her in a previous post... She 's a very 'sihat' five- year old (if you know what I mean). Since she lives with my grandmother, my aunt and her dad.... there's not really things for her  to do ataupun someone to play with...  rasa nya tu sebab she gained a few pounds....

So when we (by we I mean my parents  and  I) came over to break fast last week... she gets really excited. I guess sebab ade org untuk hiburkan dia... but my god  she was really active  (not to mention heavy) and sgt manja...my mom  rase agak kesian kat dia.. she has no one to play with on a daily basis...

That weekend, my mom and me (or is it my my mom and  I) pergi beli baju raya untuk at the nearest  Mydin.. since we managed to get her measurements that night... you wouldn't believe how hard is it untuk cari baju kurung for a five-year old dengan ukuran pinggang 32 inci.. in the month of ramdhan of all months.. where semua org keluar untuk shopping... dari bawah sampai ke atas,  from that baju kurung to this baju kurung,... dengan my mom  with her measuring tape... when we finally found... mind you baju kurung yg sgt panjang that is meant untuk budak yg berumur 8thn kut... my mom search the mall again for a baju blouse but to no avail...

See susah untuk cari baju raya.. untuk budak yg agak 'sihat' ...maybe if she's living a healthier lifestyle  doing and eating healthy things... dia mungkin x kan debab...... and mungkin x masih pakai diaper mcm sekarang (I'm glad that my grandmother didn't babysat me too long)

I love her.. she's my family,  she's practically the little sister I've never had.. maybe because  she's a debab resurrection  of me... but I seriously think she's better off living with her parents and her brother.... at least she would be a lot more discipline and living a healthier lifestyle too...
 But what can I do my my uncle (her dad) mane boleh tinggal  my nenek mcm tu je... since my  nenek sgt syg my uncle that he can't live by himself...


I pray that my cousin syg as she gets older will have colourful and enriched life... ( a little discipline and structure wouldn't hurt of course)

the 'Mom card'

 Peace upon you and Selamat berpuasa
I'm graduating... soon. Last friday I've received surat tawaran utk buat master...
As with every ending the is always a beginning.. itu sebab I am never sad... sebab with every new people I meet I got to reinvent myself, be someone better and hopefully make lasting friendships. Bukannya tak suka dgn kawan kawan lama, its just that susah nak bina diri balik dgn kawan-kawan lama, diorg tak boleh accept that you want to change, you want to be a better person..... they find that it is a little too weird that you want start to talk to them or make friends with them...

But I did make a few great friends if not many.... mungkin lebih baik mcm tu... so that I'll value their friendships... sebab maybe Tuhan lebih tahu, if I have a lot of friends I'll probably take them for granted...

To me, this beginning comes with options....
1) untuk kerja.. not part time but really work...
2)untuk sambung master
3)I'm even planning to start a company with a few friends....


I have decided to get a job ages go. Since, I have spent the last.... well I don't know... 5 years finishing my diploma+degree...exhausting both my brain and body.....I guess work is just the same... tapi  at least I will get paid this time ...

And then there's my mom with her Mom card, telling me how she wants me to pursue my studies, it wasn't just telling it was like a NARRATION as why I should do it and why during her time she didn't... to guilt me into it I guess...in the month of Ramadhan of all months

Don't get me wrong.. I DO want to pursue my studies.. just not now..not just when I've just finished my  degree... tapi she thinks aku tak nak blajar sampai bila-bila..

Permaisuri ku and her CARDS ......