For days I felt lifeless, today masak a poached egg

Dan rasanya menjadi, and its not that hard I suppose. I've always wanted to poach an egg tapi selalu delaykan, because I think the taste wouldn't be as good as a fried egg (and it didn't sebab it lacks the cholesterol that I'm accustomed to) tapi steps must be taken, to reduce ketembaman sebab duduk kat rumah

see.. the yolk is all runny, jadilah tu kan?

Last week was really an eventful week for me, on the 21st-23rd Sept  I returned to Shah Alam (wah return macam rumah kat situ je kan) to 

1)attend Dr Azizan's Seminar dekat SACC

2) ambik transkrip degree ( DAH habis belajar kan)

3) jumpa Dr Umi (since she's my favourite lecturer kan)

4) Daftar alumni UiTM

5) Find out mcm mana n ak buat master's degree dekat fak edu

3 out of 5 things done. Bolehlah tu rasenya. And last Friday went to PWTC untuk menghadiri BN Youth Job Fair. And managed to snag my self my first job. Tapi not going to the training session I think (more on that later).

I felt out of place going to UiTM when I am no longer a student. Tapi nampak same je mcm org lain, although the lack of baju kurung on a Monday did make me stood out from everyone else(alah mase ko belajar x pakai baju kurung pun on Mondays)  I stayed and talk to a few of kefajar friends my former classmates who are still studying and of course talked to my best friend (who is now 1 semester my junior). And realized those are the things I miss most... interacting with my friends, interacting with my best friends having lunch with them, moving out and about in campus and having a decent conversation with them. That last part dah lama dah tak buat and that is I guess what I cherish most and hope to do again soon.  But that phase of my baru berlalu kan.. what to do? Belajar degree balik? hehe...

Tu sebab sekarang ni I guess I felt really lifeless and useless..

That thing I call an Ugam -The Story

So here it is, ( I think this is the only post that memenuhi tujuan blog ini ditubuhkan in the first place) thinking of posting it on fiction press too.

It was like having a stroke. Unable to move a muscle, even when every neuron in your brain is instructing your muscle to expand and to contract, that part of your body just won’t move.  No, it was worse than a stroke. Simply because it hurt. Unlike a stroke, it was painful, and it was the pain that paralyzes.  

Soon you discover that, as you try to nourish yourself, if you’re not careful, the food will fall off your lips. The same thing happened when you tried to take a sip of water. Adjustments have to be made, so you can sustain yourself, using the side that you are not used to using. 

While you make attempts to get yourself better, you realized the outside of your lips are changing too. It was as cracked and as dry as a desert that hasn’t rain for a year. You tried hydrating, drinking glasses of water but it was as if, the water just goes right through you. 

Eventually, you make the decision to make an amateur diagnosis of what was wrong with you. As you stood in front of the mirror, you probe, squeeze and then probe again before you finally see it, the white devil. That thing that had been causing you your many hours of sleep. There it was just staring at you that white flesh exposed with swollen red tissues surrounding it, probably because you couldn’t get to it in time just before the bacterial invasion. Now you know it was the dreaded ugam or as the rest of other Malaysians call it the mouth ulcer.

As the pain throbs when you poke into it, you make yet another important decision. There’s nothing more that you can do, accept, letting your innate immunity do their job for you. 

That thing I call an Ugam

What is it you may ask? That thing I call an Ugam, well it is what the rest of your Malaysians call mouth ulcers.

Being part Sabahan I call it an ugam. So I found it odd when people call it mouth ulcers. I guess people find it odd when I call it ugam too. Touche' people, touche'.

Ever since I accidentally tergigit the inside of my cheek five days ago, it won't stop throbbing and it cost me my sleep. I went to bed around 1 am tapi I think I fell asleep lebih kurang pukul 4.00 mcm tu. Hence being  the jobless/ drama queen/ writer's block I am, I have decided to write about it in a three hundred-word essay.

Can you imagine that a 300-word essay on my throbbing mouth ulcer. I have to admit I did cheat a little to make it interesting. Who doesn't right?

I did learn somethings invaluable writing this  particular piece.

1) never decided to go to bed when you're half way writing a story. ( I did, and  as the kesakitan of my ugam has berkurangan so does the concentration of my muse)

2) never write a story with your cat sleeping next to you (dia punya claws can reach your busily typing hands)

So inilah dia the first few sentences of  That thing I call an Ugam

 "It was like having a stroke. Unable to move a muscle, even when every neuron in your brain is instructing your muscle to expand and to contract, that part of your body just won’t move.  No, it was worse than a stroke. Simply because it hurt..."

Things I know I should do

So now that I am jobless, I know there are things that I should do,but I haven't have the time to do them.

Things I should do

1. LOOK FOR JOBS ( Currently hold a very active Jobstreet account)

2. HARD BIND MY DISSERTATION

3. To revise my mandarin  (Since I found that many jobs need their employees to have high proficiency in MANDARIN )

4. To revise my English and to write a short story yg tak terkeluar dari otak ( and make sure I do not get worse by the minute)

5. To start a facilitating company ( Since staying home and doing nothing does not bring in any money, just imagine how cool it would be, if sekali goyang kaki  boleh bawak masuk RM 100)

6. Maybe admit, like I have admitted to my mom and dad, "Kalo tak dapat kerja jugak by the end of this year, I should just continue my studies"

I guess three out of six, takde lah teruk sgt kan,  I have LOOK for JOBS,  Revised my English ( kalo baca and taip balik cool phrases and sentences, can be defined as revising?)  and I've already started a facebook group with my friends who are interested in starting a FACILITATING COMPANY. So Woohoo!!!

While for the others, takde  kesempatan lagi nak pi kedai fotostat untuk hard bind thesis, I like English more than I like Mandarin ( so there I've said it) , and no I am not ready to admit to myself to just give up the job search and sambung belajar. BELUM LAGI!!!

My oh my,  I  have lots of things to do being jobless kan?

Ntah... We'll see

I woke up on Monday, feeling weird on the fact that I don't have to do the things I usually do anymore.

ATTENDING CLASSES.

My mom has embedded/ instilled/ programmed in me (from I was 7)  that I should at least study sampai degree. And I spent 16 years just doing that and I did it. A pang of jealousy hit me, when I saw the status updates of my friends who are still studying. It finally hit me that I am not a student any longer. I am both happy and empty.

Happy things end well. Takde paper perlu di repeat, pointer tak serendah masa diploma, no longer bangun awal2 pagi so that when I arrived in the lab tak payah tunggu giliran untuk guna micropippete yg already sgt sikit tu.

Empty because, I've been studying so hard all these years just to get a degree. Going out with friends till like 4.00 am for dinner and karaoke. And now that has ended, I  have come to realization there's no more to life.   Drama queen kan?

That is why I couldn't  about blog anything. Since there is really nothing going on with my life...  :(

So sekarang I will look at my jobstreet account daily, see if there are any responds to my applications and wait. Or  maybe be a good girl and  sambung master like my mom want me to..

Ntah... We'll see

Dulu-dulu

Well not really dulu-dulu, lebih pada 2-3 tahun lepas I was a different person. I used to bring a book, a novel specifically.. everywhere  with me. So that in between classes, in between labs I will have something to read sampai lunyai novel yg agak tebal dan mahal (RM 40 to me is quite expensive) tu. That is how I come up with the url for this blog "Bendauntukdibaca". I Then I own an mp4 player, after that  the phone yg boleh main mp3. Well lets just say, those reading days are now over.

 Its not that I don't read. Its just that I stopped reading proper English.  And I believe that it has a token a toll on my literary works (wah perasaan). I sware, rasanya english masa ambik SPM dulu lebih baik dari sekarang lebih correct grammarnya, lebih berbunga-bunga. Now try as I might, I don't think I can anymore. Nak tulis apa pun tak tahu, ni kan pulak berbunga-bunga...

That is why I don't want to pursue masters, I think time spent writing my FYP thesis (which composed of segala-segalanya, DARAH, MARAH, TEARS, SELF ESTEEM YG SEMAKIN HARI SEMAKIN LEMAH dek kena marah supervisor everytime I went to see him) have like really stricken me of my creativity and spirit. I couldn't even put my own words and identity into my thesis. It's all his. Semua yg cantik dan kreatif habis dipotongnya buat ayat baru. Sure I get an A-, but really I don't want to go through it again.

Now that I have nothing to do (kecuali menghantar resume to all the non- scientisty companies I can think of dengan harapan dapatlah kerja by the end of this month) I've started to read again, site site yg ade cerita dengan ayat berbunga-bunga for now cth, mcm  City of  shared stories kuala lumpur, fanfiction ( mcm tak proper je yg tu), blogs yg use ayat berbunga-bunga and other improper things . Maybe  I even read buku-buku yg terperap dalam kotak tu.

And maybe just maybe after a whole lot of reading, reading, and reading... I will write again...

Perginya Cory Monteith...

I never thought myself as a fanatic of the entertainment industry. I listen to things I feel like listening to. I watch things I feel like watching. I was wrong. I am a big fan of Glee. I like how the show bagi nafas baru (as my mom says ) to new and old songs. Many times, I think the cover they did was better than the original songs.

 A few weeks ago the actor who played Finn  died. Being a big fan of the show, I was devastated. He was the essence of Glee. He was there when Glee started. I was hoping to see him when Glee ended as well.  Never was I am a big a fan of something,  and now that I am,  pelakon utamanya pulak kena mati...

I was even more heartbroken, when the results of the autopsy showed he died of drug abuse. Isn't in ironic how in Glee, his character was the son of a dead drug addict? My mom said, with Monteith being over 30 and all "dia sepatutnya pandai fikir dah". But still, with the show losing its edge season after season, his death is going to make the show a lot worse.

His death is a great loss, both to the show and to his fans. Although I'm sad, that he is dead, I think my mom is right, he should know better. Mungkin kalau dia cukup matang and he have think things through.. he wouldn't have met his untimely end.
And I wouldn't have to be this sedih...