I ended up...

I ended up Having the job that I would like to have which I thought was great.  Memang pun bagus. Just that tak sangka kerja nya macam ni. Maybe at the beginning. For this whole week I was making calls for fresh graduates yg pointer nya 2.00-3.2 and haven't yet found a job to join this program to help them found a job.

Isn't it that great? Of course it is kan.

Even my boss told me things that could make me a better person, like I should stop thinking that I am better than everybody else and I should be a team player and I should be a humble person. Which are the essence of being a trainer. See I've already learned so many things about myself

Its just that when I got home for the last five days, I have pening kepala yg amat sgt that it was kind of a hell of a week for me.  So yeah I'm glad I can help people but  I hate that my body was playing tricks on me.

With that being said, my mom told me to go to bed early from now on because maybe it was my tidor lambat  and just started working that caused me to have pening kepala yg teruk sgt when I was at the office

So Wan An and I guess the fanfiction can be read tomorrow night....

What I woke up to today

I live here.
Dekat tepi bukit. Bukit Tampin namenya.
I think it was a pretty sight. Don't you?
Well, I am not very good with the camera..
I've been living here for like thirteen years now.
I used to hate it here, since I felt like I've been forced to move.
But since I started secondary school  mungkin secara x sedarnya I started to like it here.

You see I am a kampung girl, always has been, always will be. The kampung I grew up in was called Slim Village, Slim River Perak. Ulu sgt.... jauh sgt....... I moved to a town when I was 10 sangatlah upset mase tu....

You see I've been praying to God recently to give me a job.
And now I think God has given me more that what I've  wanted

I have two job offers.
One as a customer service. Basically doing basic office work. And should anything goes wrong ,I'll be the person the customers will look for. It is for a renowned  courier company.

The other as a trainer. To help people and companies to find the best in them and use that to help them grow. There will  be a lot of traveling too. So I think it  would be fun.

Both jobs I believe are the same. I get to meet people. But I think the other one is more in my area. Both jobs are dekat city. The second one is at Damansara Perdana. And this place scares the hell out of me. Sgt banyak kereta and I am not a very strong driver.  So today I woke up thinking, nanti kerja dah x dapt tgk sights like these and do stuff that I am doing now. Kind of why I got out of the house mase matahari pun belum nampak lagi.

Esok I need to tell the latter company, that I am taking their offer.Kind of why I am feeling weird right now. I am afraid that as I go into actual work I might lose my personality,  my passion,  and a bunch of other stupid stuff.

Other than the magnificent view, this is what I woke up to today...

selepas tamat belajar di UiTM

It was my second visit to UiTM after I have graduated. Well not really, I don't think I've graduated until I awkwardly march on that stage (that's what happened the last time I was there, that's why till today I couldn't look at the DVD ) to pick up my degree transcript.

Kali ini my second visit to UiTM seemed friendlier, seemed less scarier  maybe  because I did do what I came there to do, talked to my fav lecturer , talked and spent sometimes with  my KEFAJAR mates, have a sharing session with my former classmate. Accept for the endless moving to attend classes, it felt as if I never left.

My visit to Dr Umi's office, was one that I treasured most. One that I still thank God till today (With that being said Alhamdulillah) She was recently added to my list of the people I want to be like (I know only nerds like their teachers, tapi peduli ape)  Dia biase-biase je. She doesn't makes jokes while she's teaching, she doesn't favour me. But I do like that she understands what it is like to feel weak. She does what ever she can to make us help each other ( This she does by pakse kita org buat study group, yg dia dah set up who the group members are going to be). She said sebab dia nak semua orang dapat A, bukan sorang-sorang jer I also like how she never once yelled at us, even soalan tu dah tanya like numerous of times. (I did this once, without realising that the same question has popped up before I asked )

I guess I like her because she helps people who are socially awkward like me to work with people who they are not used to working with. I also admire how she 's able to keep her emotions straight when she's teaching. Maybe because she used to be like me too, socially awkward and not the best of her class.

My conversation with her  has been an informative and a priceless one. Not of Proteomics and Eukaryotics Cell Biology, but of  what she has done after she has obtained her first degree, how she came to be a lecturer, why my mom is not letting me work for anything less than my degree and that I should  teach the orphanage to keep my English from getting rusty. One thing I forgot to ask her was  macammana dia keep from getting marah2 bila kita org tanya dia banyak soalan (She's a woman, so it does awe me how she does it).

I guess kite belajar lebih banyak, lepas tamat belajar di UiTM rather mase belajar di UiTM.

Super glad I am writing again

I am glad the last post I've written ended up as a draft. I know now what being angry for a little too long can do to me. I didn't talk to my mom  for a week. Everything I ate doesn't seem to say down. My chest is warmer than it was supposed to be. Because of my warm chest I have trouble sleeping. Yang paling teruk I stopped writing.. I stopped writing even weeks after I finished being angry with my mom.

Last week I went out with kawan-kawan lama yang dah lama kenal and kawan-kawan lama yang baru kenal in a team building program. It turns out this friend of mine is an actual writer. Not like me of course. An actual writer who've gotten paid for her work. A Malay  poetry writer. She taught me how to make it, but she also told me the obstacles she has to face. That she makes a lot more money selling her books of poetry in Indonesia than in Malaysia, because Malaysians don't read a lot. There's this one time when she makes RM10 000 to get her books published. Can you imagine that..  kalo org yg tulis buku bahasa Melayu pun tak boleh nak jual buku dekat Malaysia.. what to become of english writers like me?

But all that aside, I am super glad that I am writing again.

For days I felt lifeless, today masak a poached egg

Dan rasanya menjadi, and its not that hard I suppose. I've always wanted to poach an egg tapi selalu delaykan, because I think the taste wouldn't be as good as a fried egg (and it didn't sebab it lacks the cholesterol that I'm accustomed to) tapi steps must be taken, to reduce ketembaman sebab duduk kat rumah

see.. the yolk is all runny, jadilah tu kan?

Last week was really an eventful week for me, on the 21st-23rd Sept  I returned to Shah Alam (wah return macam rumah kat situ je kan) to 

1)attend Dr Azizan's Seminar dekat SACC

2) ambik transkrip degree ( DAH habis belajar kan)

3) jumpa Dr Umi (since she's my favourite lecturer kan)

4) Daftar alumni UiTM

5) Find out mcm mana n ak buat master's degree dekat fak edu

3 out of 5 things done. Bolehlah tu rasenya. And last Friday went to PWTC untuk menghadiri BN Youth Job Fair. And managed to snag my self my first job. Tapi not going to the training session I think (more on that later).

I felt out of place going to UiTM when I am no longer a student. Tapi nampak same je mcm org lain, although the lack of baju kurung on a Monday did make me stood out from everyone else(alah mase ko belajar x pakai baju kurung pun on Mondays)  I stayed and talk to a few of kefajar friends my former classmates who are still studying and of course talked to my best friend (who is now 1 semester my junior). And realized those are the things I miss most... interacting with my friends, interacting with my best friends having lunch with them, moving out and about in campus and having a decent conversation with them. That last part dah lama dah tak buat and that is I guess what I cherish most and hope to do again soon.  But that phase of my baru berlalu kan.. what to do? Belajar degree balik? hehe...

Tu sebab sekarang ni I guess I felt really lifeless and useless..

That thing I call an Ugam -The Story

So here it is, ( I think this is the only post that memenuhi tujuan blog ini ditubuhkan in the first place) thinking of posting it on fiction press too.

It was like having a stroke. Unable to move a muscle, even when every neuron in your brain is instructing your muscle to expand and to contract, that part of your body just won’t move.  No, it was worse than a stroke. Simply because it hurt. Unlike a stroke, it was painful, and it was the pain that paralyzes.  

Soon you discover that, as you try to nourish yourself, if you’re not careful, the food will fall off your lips. The same thing happened when you tried to take a sip of water. Adjustments have to be made, so you can sustain yourself, using the side that you are not used to using. 

While you make attempts to get yourself better, you realized the outside of your lips are changing too. It was as cracked and as dry as a desert that hasn’t rain for a year. You tried hydrating, drinking glasses of water but it was as if, the water just goes right through you. 

Eventually, you make the decision to make an amateur diagnosis of what was wrong with you. As you stood in front of the mirror, you probe, squeeze and then probe again before you finally see it, the white devil. That thing that had been causing you your many hours of sleep. There it was just staring at you that white flesh exposed with swollen red tissues surrounding it, probably because you couldn’t get to it in time just before the bacterial invasion. Now you know it was the dreaded ugam or as the rest of other Malaysians call it the mouth ulcer.

As the pain throbs when you poke into it, you make yet another important decision. There’s nothing more that you can do, accept, letting your innate immunity do their job for you. 

That thing I call an Ugam

What is it you may ask? That thing I call an Ugam, well it is what the rest of your Malaysians call mouth ulcers.

Being part Sabahan I call it an ugam. So I found it odd when people call it mouth ulcers. I guess people find it odd when I call it ugam too. Touche' people, touche'.

Ever since I accidentally tergigit the inside of my cheek five days ago, it won't stop throbbing and it cost me my sleep. I went to bed around 1 am tapi I think I fell asleep lebih kurang pukul 4.00 mcm tu. Hence being  the jobless/ drama queen/ writer's block I am, I have decided to write about it in a three hundred-word essay.

Can you imagine that a 300-word essay on my throbbing mouth ulcer. I have to admit I did cheat a little to make it interesting. Who doesn't right?

I did learn somethings invaluable writing this  particular piece.

1) never decided to go to bed when you're half way writing a story. ( I did, and  as the kesakitan of my ugam has berkurangan so does the concentration of my muse)

2) never write a story with your cat sleeping next to you (dia punya claws can reach your busily typing hands)

So inilah dia the first few sentences of  That thing I call an Ugam

 "It was like having a stroke. Unable to move a muscle, even when every neuron in your brain is instructing your muscle to expand and to contract, that part of your body just won’t move.  No, it was worse than a stroke. Simply because it hurt..."

Things I know I should do

So now that I am jobless, I know there are things that I should do,but I haven't have the time to do them.

Things I should do

1. LOOK FOR JOBS ( Currently hold a very active Jobstreet account)

2. HARD BIND MY DISSERTATION

3. To revise my mandarin  (Since I found that many jobs need their employees to have high proficiency in MANDARIN )

4. To revise my English and to write a short story yg tak terkeluar dari otak ( and make sure I do not get worse by the minute)

5. To start a facilitating company ( Since staying home and doing nothing does not bring in any money, just imagine how cool it would be, if sekali goyang kaki  boleh bawak masuk RM 100)

6. Maybe admit, like I have admitted to my mom and dad, "Kalo tak dapat kerja jugak by the end of this year, I should just continue my studies"

I guess three out of six, takde lah teruk sgt kan,  I have LOOK for JOBS,  Revised my English ( kalo baca and taip balik cool phrases and sentences, can be defined as revising?)  and I've already started a facebook group with my friends who are interested in starting a FACILITATING COMPANY. So Woohoo!!!

While for the others, takde  kesempatan lagi nak pi kedai fotostat untuk hard bind thesis, I like English more than I like Mandarin ( so there I've said it) , and no I am not ready to admit to myself to just give up the job search and sambung belajar. BELUM LAGI!!!

My oh my,  I  have lots of things to do being jobless kan?

Ntah... We'll see

I woke up on Monday, feeling weird on the fact that I don't have to do the things I usually do anymore.

ATTENDING CLASSES.

My mom has embedded/ instilled/ programmed in me (from I was 7)  that I should at least study sampai degree. And I spent 16 years just doing that and I did it. A pang of jealousy hit me, when I saw the status updates of my friends who are still studying. It finally hit me that I am not a student any longer. I am both happy and empty.

Happy things end well. Takde paper perlu di repeat, pointer tak serendah masa diploma, no longer bangun awal2 pagi so that when I arrived in the lab tak payah tunggu giliran untuk guna micropippete yg already sgt sikit tu.

Empty because, I've been studying so hard all these years just to get a degree. Going out with friends till like 4.00 am for dinner and karaoke. And now that has ended, I  have come to realization there's no more to life.   Drama queen kan?

That is why I couldn't  about blog anything. Since there is really nothing going on with my life...  :(

So sekarang I will look at my jobstreet account daily, see if there are any responds to my applications and wait. Or  maybe be a good girl and  sambung master like my mom want me to..

Ntah... We'll see

Dulu-dulu

Well not really dulu-dulu, lebih pada 2-3 tahun lepas I was a different person. I used to bring a book, a novel specifically.. everywhere  with me. So that in between classes, in between labs I will have something to read sampai lunyai novel yg agak tebal dan mahal (RM 40 to me is quite expensive) tu. That is how I come up with the url for this blog "Bendauntukdibaca". I Then I own an mp4 player, after that  the phone yg boleh main mp3. Well lets just say, those reading days are now over.

 Its not that I don't read. Its just that I stopped reading proper English.  And I believe that it has a token a toll on my literary works (wah perasaan). I sware, rasanya english masa ambik SPM dulu lebih baik dari sekarang lebih correct grammarnya, lebih berbunga-bunga. Now try as I might, I don't think I can anymore. Nak tulis apa pun tak tahu, ni kan pulak berbunga-bunga...

That is why I don't want to pursue masters, I think time spent writing my FYP thesis (which composed of segala-segalanya, DARAH, MARAH, TEARS, SELF ESTEEM YG SEMAKIN HARI SEMAKIN LEMAH dek kena marah supervisor everytime I went to see him) have like really stricken me of my creativity and spirit. I couldn't even put my own words and identity into my thesis. It's all his. Semua yg cantik dan kreatif habis dipotongnya buat ayat baru. Sure I get an A-, but really I don't want to go through it again.

Now that I have nothing to do (kecuali menghantar resume to all the non- scientisty companies I can think of dengan harapan dapatlah kerja by the end of this month) I've started to read again, site site yg ade cerita dengan ayat berbunga-bunga for now cth, mcm  City of  shared stories kuala lumpur, fanfiction ( mcm tak proper je yg tu), blogs yg use ayat berbunga-bunga and other improper things . Maybe  I even read buku-buku yg terperap dalam kotak tu.

And maybe just maybe after a whole lot of reading, reading, and reading... I will write again...

Perginya Cory Monteith...

I never thought myself as a fanatic of the entertainment industry. I listen to things I feel like listening to. I watch things I feel like watching. I was wrong. I am a big fan of Glee. I like how the show bagi nafas baru (as my mom says ) to new and old songs. Many times, I think the cover they did was better than the original songs.

 A few weeks ago the actor who played Finn  died. Being a big fan of the show, I was devastated. He was the essence of Glee. He was there when Glee started. I was hoping to see him when Glee ended as well.  Never was I am a big a fan of something,  and now that I am,  pelakon utamanya pulak kena mati...

I was even more heartbroken, when the results of the autopsy showed he died of drug abuse. Isn't in ironic how in Glee, his character was the son of a dead drug addict? My mom said, with Monteith being over 30 and all "dia sepatutnya pandai fikir dah". But still, with the show losing its edge season after season, his death is going to make the show a lot worse.

His death is a great loss, both to the show and to his fans. Although I'm sad, that he is dead, I think my mom is right, he should know better. Mungkin kalau dia cukup matang and he have think things through.. he wouldn't have met his untimely end.
And I wouldn't have to be this sedih...

kad raya hidung berdarah

It has been some years since I sent out raya cards to my friends and loved ones. The last one I sent out was when I was 18, in UiTM, a first semester student. Lepas tu busy with assignments and exams...I said to myself why bother? Takde yg nak balas balik pun...

But isn't this the sweetest thing? I got this yesterday from a friend who didn't even know my actual name.It came as a surprise... well not really.. she asked for my address so I kind of know what she was up to.

But I'm glad. It feels like a birthday present.Which I haven't received in some years.




On a totally different matter, my cat (Ameng) sneezed blood yesterday. It wasn't just sekali bersin. Bersin berdarah yg berulang ulang kali. There was a blood splatter on the white tiles. My mom the one yg noticed, my cat was sneezing terlalu kuat  terlalu banyak kali. Then my mom wiped her nose with a tissue liked it was nothing.

Later that night, when I was trying to get some sleep, Ameng lied down on my chest, with her nose facing my face, like its' late mother, Meme, did when she was alive. I like it. Other than it reminded me of Meme, she also felt like a warm and cozy bekas air panas on my chest. Then I REMEMBERED, earlier today she SNEEZED BLOOD.

My family (dearest cousin)

I have this cousin... I wrote about her in a previous post... She 's a very 'sihat' five- year old (if you know what I mean). Since she lives with my grandmother, my aunt and her dad.... there's not really things for her  to do ataupun someone to play with...  rasa nya tu sebab she gained a few pounds....

So when we (by we I mean my parents  and  I) came over to break fast last week... she gets really excited. I guess sebab ade org untuk hiburkan dia... but my god  she was really active  (not to mention heavy) and sgt manja...my mom  rase agak kesian kat dia.. she has no one to play with on a daily basis...

That weekend, my mom and me (or is it my my mom and  I) pergi beli baju raya untuk at the nearest  Mydin.. since we managed to get her measurements that night... you wouldn't believe how hard is it untuk cari baju kurung for a five-year old dengan ukuran pinggang 32 inci.. in the month of ramdhan of all months.. where semua org keluar untuk shopping... dari bawah sampai ke atas,  from that baju kurung to this baju kurung,... dengan my mom  with her measuring tape... when we finally found... mind you baju kurung yg sgt panjang that is meant untuk budak yg berumur 8thn kut... my mom search the mall again for a baju blouse but to no avail...

See susah untuk cari baju raya.. untuk budak yg agak 'sihat' ...maybe if she's living a healthier lifestyle  doing and eating healthy things... dia mungkin x kan debab...... and mungkin x masih pakai diaper mcm sekarang (I'm glad that my grandmother didn't babysat me too long)

I love her.. she's my family,  she's practically the little sister I've never had.. maybe because  she's a debab resurrection  of me... but I seriously think she's better off living with her parents and her brother.... at least she would be a lot more discipline and living a healthier lifestyle too...
 But what can I do my my uncle (her dad) mane boleh tinggal  my nenek mcm tu je... since my  nenek sgt syg my uncle that he can't live by himself...


I pray that my cousin syg as she gets older will have colourful and enriched life... ( a little discipline and structure wouldn't hurt of course)

the 'Mom card'

 Peace upon you and Selamat berpuasa
I'm graduating... soon. Last friday I've received surat tawaran utk buat master...
As with every ending the is always a beginning.. itu sebab I am never sad... sebab with every new people I meet I got to reinvent myself, be someone better and hopefully make lasting friendships. Bukannya tak suka dgn kawan kawan lama, its just that susah nak bina diri balik dgn kawan-kawan lama, diorg tak boleh accept that you want to change, you want to be a better person..... they find that it is a little too weird that you want start to talk to them or make friends with them...

But I did make a few great friends if not many.... mungkin lebih baik mcm tu... so that I'll value their friendships... sebab maybe Tuhan lebih tahu, if I have a lot of friends I'll probably take them for granted...

To me, this beginning comes with options....
1) untuk kerja.. not part time but really work...
2)untuk sambung master
3)I'm even planning to start a company with a few friends....


I have decided to get a job ages go. Since, I have spent the last.... well I don't know... 5 years finishing my diploma+degree...exhausting both my brain and body.....I guess work is just the same... tapi  at least I will get paid this time ...

And then there's my mom with her Mom card, telling me how she wants me to pursue my studies, it wasn't just telling it was like a NARRATION as why I should do it and why during her time she didn't... to guilt me into it I guess...in the month of Ramadhan of all months

Don't get me wrong.. I DO want to pursue my studies.. just not now..not just when I've just finished my  degree... tapi she thinks aku tak nak blajar sampai bila-bila..

Permaisuri ku and her CARDS ......

Sahur with my dad...

4.50 am: I was woken up not by my dad but by kids on motorcycles yelling Sahur!! Sahur!!
For the first time in days I  woke up by myself. Well mostly I got up to pee. Then I will monitor my dad reheat my mom's cooking for sahur.... while I wait (I'm so helpful ... I know)

It has been a while since I write or read anything worth reading.. I always wanted to write but usually would succumb to kesibukan atau laziness. Nampaknya I decided to write dalam bulan ramadhan...  I forgot It was like to do what I like to do.. to write what I like to write, to read what I like to read... I guess that is the price being a final year student...tapi lepas ni dah tak jadi final year student dah once I've submitted my dissertation (which I am still procrastinating to finish up). Is it weird that I want to finish this as quickly as possible.. tapi rasa sedikit sedih that I'm finishing my degree?

" Tu budak2 je tu kacau tu. Dah lah banyak kaum"
I didn't think they are hooligans at first.. tapi I guess what he said kind of make sense. I wish my dad would said a lot more to me.. bukan mase sahur je but like on a daily basis... because when my mom is at school.. there's really nothing to talk about. It feels kind of awkward...

my cat at 5.20 am

That sahur ends with my cat mengada with my dad and have a "sahur" session of his own

menulis pasal Tetra-amelia syndrome

my definition: bila org tu lahir tanpa kedua-dua tangan dan kedua-dua kaki...
                cause: mutation inWNT3 gene
    what's left: the torso and the head

Antara those yg dilahirkan sedimikian: Nick Vujicic a Serbian Australian, a motivational speaker.... now married, and expecting his first child.

 

He has no arms and no legs tapi masih boleh swim, cook, pick up the phone, shave, type and do things normal people can do. Heck I have all four limbs, sampai hari ni I still can't swim. He's optimism  to be able to live an independent life  has become an inspiration  to a lot of  people to go through life.

Tapi, he didn't always use to be so positive and optimistic, in fact when he was a kid he did try to kill himself because of all the taunting he had to endure. And then as he got  older, he started his non-profit organization 'Life without limbs' founded to motivate people who fell when facing challenges and obstacles to get up again, just like he does every time he falls.

So in this piece I would like to emphasize I am extremely in awe, of his positivity, instead of complaining not to be able to do stuff, he will find new ways to do it. Which is the opposite of what I'll always do....He also that you can't blame the way you are born, because simply that is how you are born, you have to live with it one way or another.

The reason for this piece is because: I temporarily lost the use of my right hand, due to my own recklessness (my dad  kept saying I slipped on a banana peel, which is so not true) last two weeks, and it became a struggle. everything needs  a strategy: to open the door, to unzip my bag (which I successfully did using my teeth), to undo my clothes,till today I still can't hook/unhook my bra.  The first time I put on my pj's that night I yelled out a 'YEAY' after I succesfully pull my arm out of the arm hole.

And then I realized, I take so many things for granted. It's human I supposed, bila benda dah hilang baru rasa how much we need it...

It's not the big things that is hard I supposed, its the littlest things like masa nak potong kuku (that was difficult) and when I try to put on the seat belt too,  that was almost impossible...

So the lesson here is not to take things for granted, do what you have to do NOW (it is kind of like sembahyang sebelum disembahyangkan,  wah poyonya eden) sebab you never know when God wants to take something away  from you... plus if a person without limbs can do what he loves to do what's stopping you from doing what YOU love to do?

bila different generations collide?

Yesterday, I went to my dad's kebun getah... its new, so this is the first time I visited it.
So there was my nenek,
my dad,
me
and my cousin. she's like a younger clone of myself but chubbier and much more stubborn than I was during her age. Simply put, she is like a 4  year old resurrected me..

So there's like 3 or 4 generations there.My cousin is young enough,  she's so young that I am old enough to be her (very hot and young) mother.
While, we were walking I wish my dad  would do a lot more activities together, like watching tv for example (btw he watches tv dalam bilik)... tak payah tunggu gi kebun...

But, of course I'll never say it out loud, I guess I'll take what I have.
Instead I was teaching my cousin this:
do not say 'aku' or' oii', dekat nenek, or anyone older, say SAYA instead
'kamu' is not a kata ganti diri pertama again say SA-YYY-AAA......
really... what is becoming of Malaysian younger generations?
(I am sounding more and more like a 50- year old )

Thing I learned from granny yesterday: she showed me a tapak kaki babi hutan yesterday. Now I know, babi hutan ade two toes...

pic sekadar hiasan semata-semata (but a true pic of wild boar foot print nonetheless)

I Bid you farewell 2012, Selamat Datang 2013

Takde yg heavy-heavy just nak share video fireworks 2013, pemandangan dari Kolej Mawar UiTM Shah Alam.  Kalo notice ade sound of college girls in awe of the colorful scenery. 

(pemandangan sikit terhalang oleh tangki air UiTM)